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| I have become the caterpillar to your alice; sharp and wise; frustrated but calm and I asked you kindly to watch your temper but clearly your no alice at all. You feel sad and alone but take a look at what surronds you dear, and you will plainly see you are by no means in a sad place and you will never be lonely cause I'm not going anywhere. I'm not cold, just scared and unwilling to let this fail. You're not as angry as you think you are and I refuse to play the blame game because we're too old for that and too involved. I ache in a pool of tones and poorly thought-out words and you can't always assume the worst or the worst will come around and you'll realize in all the wrong ways that we lost the fire that all began with a spark we couldn't deny.
I love you and need you more than I need the air I breathe, the flesh I wear, and the framework that holds the world around us together. I only need to have you, for always.
Summer is here but the storms have kept hidden the starry skies and the feeling of this season ever becomming legitamate. We work too much and sleep too little and we haven't been able to lose focus enough to get trashed and puke our liquer up till our stomachs only twist with bile and acid and we wake up on the dew-dropped lawn and forget how we got there. Well it's a far stretch from last summer which still feels unconcluded, but maybe I'm just still growing and learning and "getting my shit together" but I'm not sure if I'm willing to fast-forward through another portion of my lightspeed life. I need to take a minute to breathe and admire the mocking glow of my cigarrette before it smolders and dies like the trees in approaching seasons.
I'll never be okay with saying goodbye to the birds and I will forever feel remorse for the shivering nakedness of the dying branches. | | |
| Time passes quickly and almost too much so, that I wouldn't mind so much as to turn it back and enjoy it again.
Yes, this is happy.
I am happy.
Life is wonderful. Sorry for this weak post...I haven't yet mastered the art of writing while not depressed. Ha. | | |
| Like the songs I like, my days play through pinpointing what hurts the most and I wonder, if such a higher power exists, is it possible that I, without ever realizing, have committed such a terrible and unforgivable sin that He endlessly demands my torture. I start shaking when I think of what it would be like to live, and though death is a constant, I weap on my knees in fear of all that it may or may not be. I think maybe if there is a god and by some chance these cruel games are all part of "the bigger picture" i question as to why He chooses the things He does and why He makes them the most unachievable and the most unrealistic and i've just finally began pulling my life together and here I stand prepared to tear it back to pieces, hoping it's really in the plan that i don't exactly believe but have strenuously tried to have faith in to keep my optimism in place. I haven't had faith in a very long time and I'm trying harder than ever to find comfort in something that may have not entirely been coincidence, or perhaps even a whole compilation of events, and maybe that could smooth out some rough edges and give me a little more understanding of my sadness and help what has been wounded, finally breathe and heal. And if it turns out that I was terribly wrong, I will start anew and it will throw me back to beliefs in coincidence and meaninglessness and i will care less, so that the pain becomes less real. | | |
| try.
fail.
try.
fail.
repeat x1000
nearly surender for good.
really try.
_______? | | |
| i did too many drugs tonight. my chest is beating, and beating, and beating.
i feel awake but not alive.
i hope i can never eat again.
i don't ever want to eat again.
i want to be frail.
i want to be small.
i want to be sick.
i want to be fallen and broken.
just dead.
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